this is really shitty.
been a tiring week.
tired not because of the workload. but becos of the ppl i work with. army sometimes really shows you alot about the worse nature of people. becos everyone feels like they're underpaid and overworked and materialistic reasons like these often give rise to people showing their true colours.
i've been in my unit for about 6 months. feels more like 6 years.
i have to answer to quite a number of my superiors, most of them not really in command of me, theorectically. i have to listen to my men. and worst of all, i have to handle my warrant officer. i know that if he just takes a long vacation and stay away from the office, i can do more work than now. and get less annoyed.
he is like ... an imbecile. does nothing, holds on to no real power and influence other than on my men and yet feels like he's damn fucking capable and like he always does the most and yet is overlooked. i really feel like slapping him sometimes. 46 years old and still unaccomplished and still sooooooo immatured.
every fucking day i tolerate him. the way he treats me is really unbecoming and really disrespectful but i keep tolerating.

let me tell you wat he does on a normal day, if he comes to work at all. comes in morning, read the newspaper. uses my computer to leisurely check his mails. sees work to be done in his mail, print it out and asks me about it like i should be doing it. then puts it on my desk and totally forgets about it and expects me to do it. goes back to his corner and watches tv. before lunch, he will say that he feels tired and goes up to his bed to take a nap. goes out for lunch or orders my men to buy lunch for him and take another one to two hours to finish his lunch. watches more tv. use my com at the end of the day to again do wat he does in the morning. end of day.

if he feels like doing 'work'. he will go inspect the store or bunk and screw my people ard. makes everyone unhappy. then he'll proceed to do something like napping or go out to get lunch. like wat the fuck ? the army pays his more than 4k a month and all he does are these. then sometimes twice a week he will call me and say he's coming late because he has a migraine and not report to work at all. my fingers twitch to just bring it up and get him charged, but still i tolerate becos of his age.
total loser of a man. and yet he is bitter, saying that he has done alot of the army and unit but they never give him credit. but in my tenure of 6 months till now, i have practically done more than his 4 years. the only reason why he can safely feel bitter and angry is becos i do all his work.
he will do something like call my guys and tell them to get me to call him when he wants to asks something. i'm like wat the fuck, i am supposed to report to him when he should be reporting to me instead ! one day i will lose my temper with him like i did with my men when i nearly charged a person with disobedience and disrespect. and one day i will really kick him out of my office and get him disgraced or something. if this goes on, i will make sure he'll never get to hide behind his desk again. fucking wasting taxpayers money doing nothing but harm to my platoon.
other than that, there's also the workload from just my work alone. i theorectically rank in the top echelon of my unit because of my position as a signal officer and i am expected to handle more work than the other people of my same age and rank, same goes for the other signal officers out there in their own units. the regular officers have cars and get alot more better pay and expects us who are paid less than a quarter of them and have to take the public transport to stay late and do the same amount they do. i mean, if they give me their pay and car, i will do so with no complaints. but they always expect me to stay late like them do to do more work, it's totally ridiculous. and wats the point of me finishing my work ? just means i get arrowed to do somemore. and unlike my encik, i dont just throw my work to any of my guys. i just assign one person to be my PA who will help and remind me of my work. the rest i dont touch them other than to get them to do their own work like servicing equipment and stuff. worst thing is we have ndp now. every saturday i have to be at marina at 0830 and finish at ard 930 at night. the higher ups always tells me that they want me and my men to clear our off every week but when me or my guys clear off they'll always conveniently forget about what they said and scold me like i did anything wrong by following their original orders and rightfully getting one day off a week becos of ndp.
and my guys always complain about how hard they are working when they do nothing but sneak off to sleep everyday when i'm busy at work. i handle like 85% of the work in the platoon and my PA handles the other 15%. if both me and him dont always complain about it, then how can they ? they just dont get it, its the fucking army. when i tell them to do something, they have no choice. its a privilege to slack and get days off, not a must. they take alot of things for granted like my being nice and not wanting to hand out punishments.
in all, i am just looking forward to ORD.

sometimes when we try to break out of certain shells, we indirectly create another. i know it sounds like bull but seriously, i'm not talking rubbish. just like sometimes when you are told that to study so that you have more options in the future. of course, you will have more choices. but the choices will be directed that certain path in future. the direction is the same, just that which track will lead you there. back to shells anyway. lets say you try to become less introvert. you socialise more and you try to gain more friends. which is good, and you feel like you're becoming more open and out-going. however, it could just be a personality that you try to impersonate. you inadvertantly create another shell, and you will have to fill out that shell by trying to remain who you think you have become. it does not neccessarily mean that you have broken out of your introvert self. you may have just put on another shell, albeit a seemingly better choice.
maybe to better yourself, you do not neccessarily have to pursue a particular personality or characteristic that you do not possess. probably an option is to understand yourself and try to come to terms. to understand does not only mean to know who you are, but also to accept and to keep an open mind. it is just like the chinese saying that if you do not remove the root, the problem will arise again. in this case, you should not remove the root, rather, you should look and see where the root leads to and why. your personality might not be neccessarily bad but certainly improvements can be made to certain areas. by identifying the problems and try to solve them is better than to replace or rather, cover up the problems with fresh paint. it will peel in time. and at all the wrong times.
went for my first clubbing experience last week. was fun and you-know-what. went out to town more often lately. maybe like once a week. have been very dead lately, even lawrence commented that i seem very sedate when i met him at the club. i admit to that. life has gotten stagnant. i welcome and abhor it and the same time. no more unpredictable situations. everything is running smoothly though it becomes boring. but its a nice kind of boredom. you get time, lots of it. doing nothing. haha. however, didnt know how much i've missed my old self till i went to nus and a touch of the old flames came back. invigorating. have i forgotten who i wanted to become ? have i lost myself ? no. definitely not. going to nus proved that much. my energies are just lying dormant, waiting to be called up. what i'm saying is that i didnt create any shells in ns. i wont.

it's been a long long time. prob like more than half a year.
noone reads this anymore. but i just felt like writing something.
precisely because i've gotten over training life and now am more or less relaxed.
yi shen was just asking me and isaac about why we dont think about social issues etc anymore.
we replied that it's because its a phase in life we've gotten over and are very comfortable and inclined to just take things easy and get through army.
yi shen brought up a point which was very true, because he said that we've responsibilities as educated people and people who can actually give a damn about such things to think about it. i mean, most of us would just go like "ya, think but what can we do ? might as well just concentrate on things more practical and which concerns us more."
that was my initial response.
i still stand on the side of not wanting to think about such stuff but my reasons are different. i feel that sometimes by thinking and discussing about such stuff can do good, it gives us something to chew on. it keeps our mind going because we still hang on to a higher thinking skill.
but really, it's like 100 percent intention. it's even more irresponsible to think and not act, be it because u cannot or u dont want to. what would be better is to limit it to things which you can do something about, maybe not now but in the future. but it must be do-able.
i still think and talk about social issues, but related to youth and education because its something i am going into and something which i believe i can make a change in.
it's like what lawence said. that in life we have so many good ideas but we only need that few to make a difference.
i've thought alot, well, more like raged alot. but to what good ? just making alot of noise and nothing gets done. just like what happened when i was in jc. think alot, talk alot and to what end ? just gets alot of people pissed, thats all.
and its like what tong always told me. what makes u think u're the only thinking about it ? alot of people realise certain things u do, or have the capacity and ability to think of what u thought. mostly, its because we want to be special and different so we normally think that we're the only ones doing the realising while others are ignorant. thats the real ignorance - in assuming people dont understand. and the self-pity thing really can eat into u. mostly it made me pissed and cranky. i realised i was so arrogant. but the realisation came only recently.
which is why i thought a book that i read - 'fish sticks' - made sense. that we must constantly interact and communicate so we can get past the self centered thing. we get past the shell that shelters us from the real thing. that maybe we've been too arrogant and self deluding.
this is nothing to be angry about, to me, to tell yourself and people around u that we're self centered. its not an insult, its something normal. i dunno whether i'll change but i think that at least i realised something about me so that i'll at least understand something the next time someone tells me i'm living in self pity. something which i used to feel hurt about when certain friends tell me that.
alright. enough of this crap. hehe.

tis been a long time.
yesterday a friend of mine asked me if i still blogged, thats when i realised that no, i havent been blogging for a long long time. it's already six months into my national service. another one and half more years to go. not too long but not short either.
going to brunei in a few hours time, for training. a little nervous. a sense of dread. when i was younger, like in sec sch i love outdoors and took every opportunity to sign up for camps etc. hai. progressed to jc and i was looking for every opportunity to stay out from home. but now, now i realised how much i miss the seemingly sad and solitary place.
i have become somewhat of a hermit, never going out of the house except for an hour or two to go to the library etc. and my friends are frequently complaining that i keep 'pang seh-ing' them.
i really really miss jc days. and its not the same when i go back to visit, the familiarity and warmth are still there, but the facade of a 'neverland' has vanised. along with some familiar faces as well.
i used to believe myself immortal, that time will not touch me, that i will not age. time seems so meaningless to those who has plenty and for those who are ignorant of its value. for me now, i am on a standstill, an impasse where time is moving but has left me behind. i see people walking past me but i stand rooted to the spot.
i know there's at least one person who'll look at this and say : wa lau ... he's at it again. haha. yeah, blahh. i want to go out and have fun but somehow i keep finding excuses to stay at home. wat have i become ? changes can happen gradually yet all at once. u'll never realise until u're stuck in the state u've become.
i'm forever reliant on people to protect me. protect me from the reality. protect me from myself. sadness descends upon us and when we remember the times of happiness, we realise that happiness is momentary, but sadness is forever constant. happiness is a privilege to be cherished, sadness is a companion that we must never forget for the sole reason that we never forget that while we're happy, it never lasts. that we may burrow deeper into the warmth of it. that we keep hoping it never ends.
ok, i digress. again. haha. but yeah, hai .. 2 years have gone and past so fast that i can barely remember all the things that happened. another 2 years to pass meaninglessly but one can always hope.
good luck to yi sheng, ah ba and zhi yang taking the As this year . and hope the girls entering their different Us have a memorable and meaningful time.

so ... i'm going to ocs afterall.
hai. another nine months in military sch. it'll be three times the duration of bmt and ten times the intensity.
but nvm, go chiong for nine months for the relatively comfortable pay, good accomations and respect that comes after.
listening to my commanders experience, i'll probably have very little social life after i go into ocs. well, too bad. quite a few of my friends are entering into ocs, which is good. wont be so boring. and people who can make it into ocs would be theoretically more matured etc. hehe.
good luck to all posted to new units and to those who are still in bmtc, hang in there.

well. it's the end of jc life.
i've always cherished the hope that i may be able to retain.
becos i havent been able to accept the reality that i've ended that chapter in my life.
but i've got no choice now but to keep moving forward
results were not good, but not too bad. hopefully can make it into u.
well. it's back to army for the time being and i'm aiming to go to ocs ( officer cadet sch ).
sigh ... and if all goes according to plan, another nine months of my life will be wasted away in camp. all my instructors tell me how sian their lives are during ocs. cos they have little time to socialise.
anyway. gtg. we'll see how the future holds.

ok. it's been one whole month since i entered into national service.
they tell you sorts of reasonable things like it helps you to bond, socialise etc.
but the longer i stay there, in my platoon, the easier i get irritated by alot of the people there.
they are either dumb ... nvm. just dumb.
the sian thing isnt the training. but the idiots who cannot or refuse to cooperate and who has attitude problem.
-.-"
and it doesnt help when my bunk mates consists of alot of whiners. i do whine la, like now but not like everyday get tekan abit then grumble whole day kinda thing. then kena some minor pain somewhere and whine the whole fucking week.
wah lau.
in short, i've become more skeptical and individualistic since i entered that place.
but of cos, the food and bunk is of good quality, thank god. altho there are times we dont get to enjoy them.
going back to ny on monday. maybe crash a few lectures or something. i miss school. heh.
and i pity those who enlists on 5th to 7th jan. and the least you guys could do was to bring along girl friends who are hot, so we can ogle at from our bunks. hehe.
gonna be missing few 11 days from 21st onwards, will be outfield for combat training followed by a leadership test camp. siaaaaaaan.